


Gibbs learns how to shitpost

by PotionMastersBitch



Category: NCIS
Genre: F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-17
Updated: 2020-04-17
Packaged: 2021-03-02 00:41:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,359
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23706313
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PotionMastersBitch/pseuds/PotionMastersBitch
Summary: Basically, Tim teaches Gibbs how to shitpost on Twitter.
Comments: 4
Kudos: 28





	Gibbs learns how to shitpost

Having become more like his father than he would ever willing admit, at least not out loud, without some fairly significant coercion first taking place, the only modern technological advances of the 21st century Gibbs had ever bothered to learn using was the Keurig, truly a gift above all others, and something called iTunes, as the former provided him with all the nutrients essential to assure his continual functioning as a human being, and the latter several golden opportunities to listen to all those perfect songs from his childhood that he had been woefully unsuccessful in finding CD’s, or even cassettes, of. And even though was, admittedly, still a bit ‘salty,’ as Tim had so eloquently put it, about having first needed to upgrade from his somewhat antiquated desktop computer to a more modern laptop in order to utilize the sheer brilliance of iTunes, the fact that Vance had more than happily covered the ridiculous expense of such a laptop had served to at least minimize his saltiness to a much more manageable level. Which had perhaps been for the best, for if Gibbs had been forced to contend with Tim’s ‘hypothetically’ dumb-downed crash course on how to use his brand new laptop whilst still sulking about the exaggerated manner in which Tony and Kate had gunned down his poor old laptop at the shooting ranger in celebration, he might very well have ripped his pretentious new MacApple AirBook right into fucking thirds after Ducky had laughed at his struggles to conquer the touchpad of the damn thing. Because as effortlessly as he could disassemble and reassemble any type of gun, or learn a brand-new language, Tim had already had him feeling quite stupid by that point in time, what with incomprehensible words like ‘browser superiority’ and ‘desktop apps.’ 

Thankfully, however, Tim hadn’t taken his outright hatred for technology _too_ personally, only going so far as to look outright offended once, after Gibbs had well-meaningly suggested that the price of a computer had almost nothing to do with its quality. For if Tim actually _had_ been offended beyond the point of his unusually high forbearance, Gibbs very much doubted that said young man would have been as willing to give him a tutorial on how to use the new iPhone Vance had ordered him to get alongside the laptop.

But, as much as Gibbs was grateful for Tim’s inexhaustible magnanimity, and really he was, he still found that he couldn’t help but wish that said tutorial could have taken place on literally any other day than the day his agent was set to do some ‘theming nonsense with his friends. Not because he begrudged the younger man his hobbies, of course not, or even his friends, who seemed every bit just as respectable and polite as Tim, but because Gibbs valued his privacy and felt rather exposed for being so ignorant of technological matters in a room full of young adults who had very likely never struggled to comprehend and utilize the technology that had grown right alongside them. 

“Don’t feel stupid, Mr. Gibbs.” Thomas encouraged. “It took Tim five hours to teach me how to do long division.”

Before Gibbs could even think to remind the impossibly polite and formal Thomas that he needn’t add the suffix ‘Mr.’ to his last name whenever it came time to capture his attention, for what had to be the tenth time in as many minutes, Partheny, Tim’s girlfriend of several years, had interjected herself into the conversation and indirectly put Gibbs’s ass on blast.

“That was in the first grade.” Partheny reminded.

“Still.” Thomas frowned. “That’s an awfully long amount of time to learn division.”

“Not for a first grader.” Tim mediated.

Despite having known that Tim was a veritable genius in the making before he had even been hired, on virtue of having had Fornel do some light snooping for him, Gibbs hadn’t really experienced the distinct displeasure of having been made to feel stupid by his vast intelligence like everyone else on the team had at one point or another, his own intelligence being rather high, up until he had found himself in the presence of two other young adults with similarly comparable IQ’s. 

“Could you guys just get the mics set up, please?” Tim requested, intuitively seeming to sense that Gibbs was getting a little overwhelmed. “We need to be streaming in half an hour.” And then, in a much lower voice, he added: “Sorry, Gibbs.”

“Don’t be sorry.” Gibbs insisted. “I’m the one whose interrupting your time.”

“You’re not interrupting.” Tim insisted, kind to a fault. “Now where’s your phone?”

Having been far too concerned about the very real prospect of potentially breaking the damn thing from the very moment it had arrived at his doorstep, either by shattering the screen by dropping it or fucking up the hardware by turning it on wrong, Gibbs had outright refused to remove the skinny phone from the box it had arrived in, deciding, instead, to simply wait until he had arrived at Tim’s house so that the younger man could take on such a risk for himself.

“It’s right here.” Gibbs explained, depositing the fat box right into Tim’s hand.

“You haven’t opened the box yet?!” Partheny squawked. “Weren’t you even curious?!”

“It’s a phone.” Gibbs dryly stated.

“It’s not just a phone.” Partheny pouted. “It’s the newest version of the iPhone.”

“Is an iPhone not a phone?” Gibbs challenged, before turning back to Tim. “Go ahead and open her up, I know you want to.”

Looking as if he had just been given the keys to an antique corvette, or rather access to some of NASA’s most powerful computers, Tim gingerly removed the black box out of his hands and carefully settled it on top of his own lap before slowly prying off the lid with gentle fingers. 

“Gibbs,” Tim gasped, gazing down at the periwinkle phone with mild horror, “They must have sent you the wrong colored phone by accident.” 

“Actually,” Gibbs grimaced, “They didn’t. I wanted the purple phone.”

“Oh.” Tim pipped, before finally relaxing. “ _Good_. Trying to make an exchange with Apple can be a real hassle.”

Immensely grateful for the fact that Tim hadn’t immediately called his masculinity into question upon hearing that Gibbs had deliberately selected a purple phone, as Ducky had once done to him after taking note of the fact that he had once forgotten to remove some yellow fingernail polish from his toes, Gibbs finally allowed himself to relax a bit.

“Hey, you’ve got the same phone as me!” Partheny beamed, leaning over the back of Tim’s couch to waggle said phone in his face. “We’re twinning!”

“Yeah, that’s great.” Gibbs agreed, gently pushing her phone away from his face. “Now, you want to show me how to work this thing, Tim? So I can get out of your hair before your theming game starts.”

“It’s not –

“Sure.” Tim interrupted his girlfriend, scooting just a little closer to Gibbs. “It’s simple. Hardly any different than your new computer, really.”

As it soon turned out, the basic tutorial that followed went fairly well, with nothing of any real note taking place up until Tim’s phone started to whistle obnoxiously every few seconds or so, a minor annoyance that was only magnified by the fact that Tim would stop halfway through whatever it was he was explaining to check on his own phone.

“Is everything alright, Tim?” Gibbs asked, becoming a fair bit concerned as the rapidity of the phone whistling exponentially increased.

“Huh?” Tim asked, gracelessly jerking his attention away from his phone. “Yeah, everything is fine, Boss. I was just checking up on Twitter to see what my followers are asking for on tonight’s episode.”

“You have a television show?” Gibbs demanded, a bit more gruffly than intended.

Because as much as Tim was slowly starting to open up to the team, the same young man in question had a rather annoying propensity for being ridiculously humble, up the point where nobody had even known he had worked on a fairly important NASA project until Ducky had stumbled across the news of such in the more obscure section of the newspapers.

“No.” Tim frowned, hazel eyes gone wide. “I have a YouTube channel.”

“A _famous_ YouTube Channel.” Thomas elaborated. “He has ten million subscribers.”

“What the hell is a YouTube?” Gibbs questioned, now completely lost. 

“It’s like television.” Thomas offered. “But only on the internet.”

Despite having some fairly pressing questions on the subject of why anybody in their right mind would choose to watch television on their computers, when a television would afford them a much bigger screen, Gibbs remained silent and contented himself with the fact that he could always ask Tony later, not wanting to run the risk of inadvertently minimizing Tim’s accomplishments in the computer world.

“And ten _million_ people tune into watch your show?” Gibbs asked. “That’s impressive. Good work, Kiddo.” 

“Thanks.” Tim blushed, looking a bit bashful. “But that’s just the number of subscribers. Just because they follow my channel doesn’t mean they actually watch every show.”

“Well, that seems a little rude, doesn’t it?” Gibbs frowned.

If anything, Gibbs likened it to all those times Senior had bought a ticket for one of Tony’s school plays, only to not bother showing up in long run.

“I’ll be sure to let Twitter know that my boyfriend’s boss thinks so.” Partheny humored, already clicking away at her keyboard.

“Help me get a Tweeter and I’ll do it myself.” Gibbs avowed.

Because as much as Tim liked to proclaim himself to be a genuine adult, having technically reached the age of majority, Gibbs knew more than enough about the various stages of aging to understand that Tim was technically still an adolescent, both in spirit and body – and, as such, in very real need of some fairly persistent paternal protection, whether he willed it or not.

“Thanks, Boss.” Tim smiled, looking genuinely flattered. “But you _really_ don’t have to take on the entire Twitterverse just for me.”

“You wouldn’t _want_ to, really.” Thomas agreed. “There are some real crazy people on Twitter, you know. _Trust me_.”

Vaguely concerned about the types of people his youngest agent could potentially be interacting with on the internet, given that Fornel had once told him that a lot of criminals were currently locating their prey that way nowadays, Gibbs frowned and investigated the matter a little further, all the while being as discreet as he could.

“What exactly is this Tweeter thing, anyways?” Gibbs asked. “Some kind of game?”

“It’s more like a platform that allows you to send out short texts to the world.” Tim extrapolated.

“And people actually enjoy reading somebody else’s texts?” Gibbs asked.

“Sure.” Partheny insisted. “It’s _fun_. I have over seven _million_ followers. And Tim has even more than that.”

Despite being vaguely concerned that his next question would come off as rude, Gibbs felt as if it needed asked nonetheless.

“That many people want to know what you think?”

“Sure.” Partheny persisted. “We’re funny. See?”

Finding himself once more forced to contend with a cellphone being shoved unceremoniously in his face, Gibbs sighed softly and gently removed the offending object out of Partheny’s hand.

**McGangster** **P** **: How dare you people call me unstable on this, the day of my dog’s bar mitzvah?**

“How the hell did something like that get you so many tweets?” Gibbs demanded, more curious than anything else.

“Almost everybody loves Jethro.” Thomas insisted, referring to the German Shepherd seated at Tim’s feet. “He’s even got his own Instagram page.”

“What’s a – “

“It’s a public collage of pictures, basically.” Partheny clarified. “And Jethro has over three million subscribers on it.”

“Of course he does.” Gibbs allowed, reaching down to give said dog’s ears an indulgent scratch. “He’s a good boy.”

Shamelessly rolling over onto his back, in order to put his furry belly into a better position to be pet, the canine Jethro whined softly and dramatically wriggled one giant paw in the air until the human Jethro took compassion on him and gave the dark fur a good scratch.

“Gibbs, if you want, I can put Twitter on your phone.” Tim offered. “You don’t have to use it, but you can at least scroll through it and see if you like it.”

“Sure.” Gibbs shrugged. “Why not?”

He was already allowing the young agent to put several newspaper ‘apps’ on his iPhone, after all, and a Starbucks one to boot. What harm could come of having one more ‘app’ on his screen?

“Cool.” Tim grinned, quickly seizing control of Gibbs’s phone. “I’ll make you a profile. What do you want your username to be?”

“Can’t you just use _my_ name?” Gibbs asked.

“You don’t want the internet to know your real name, trust me.” Partheny knowingly insisted. “Especially not if you piss them off. I once got a local KFC so mad at me, they tried to dox me.”

While Gibbs was not at all surprised to hear that Partheny had managed to aggravate a local food franchise, given her somewhat erratic nature, he was a bit confused where regarded the whole retaliation aspect of the story, seeing as he had no real idea of what the word ‘dox’ meant.

“What’s – “

“Leaking private information about a person.” Thomas supplied.

“What on Earth did you do to that KFC to make them so angry at you?” Gibbs asked Partheny.

“Don’t worry about it.” Partheny evaded, her smirk a self-satisfied one. “Just concentrate on trying to come up with a username.”

Deciding that it was probably for the best that he remain ignorant of any Partheny-related shenanigans, so that he might not be forced to take any action against the young girl for any potential crimes committed during the wreaking of such mild havoc, Gibbs more than happily took the advice to concentrate on coming up with an adequate username.

“I don’t know.” Gibbs frowned. “Somebody just pick something.”

“What about – “

“Anything with ‘gangster’ in it is a hard no.” Gibbs interrupted Tim.

“In my defense, I made that Twitter account when I was fifteen.” Tim frowned, blushing quite a bit.

“Which was only four years ago.” Gibbs reminded.

“Almost _five_.” Tim corrected, with a pout.

Seeming to sense that her boyfriend’s ego was in significant danger of being bruised even further, Partheny, like a good friend, stepped in and intervened with her own unique sense of eclectic humor.

“How about something like Silver Fox?” Partheny teased, giving him a flirtatious wink.

“You’re barking up the wrong tree there, little girl.” Gibbs sallied.

“Well, what about GunnerySeargentGibbs?” Thomas suggested. 

“That has a lot of identifying information in it.” Partheny dismissed. “Way too much.”

“How about the Lone Agent?” Tim proposed. “You like that Lone Ranger show, why not play off of that?”

“Sure.” Gibbs allowed. “Why not?”

It wasn’t as if he was going to actually use such a platform, after all.

“Alright then, here we go.” Tim announced, tapping at Gibbs’s phone screen. “Do you want me to follow some accounts I think you would like while I’m at it?”

“Why not?” Gibbs indulged.

“Great.” Tim beamed, already working away.

“Oh, Tim!” Partheny interjected. “Have him follow the TheFBIGuys!”

“Don’t you _dare_ Timothy.” Gibbs growled. “You know damn well I hate the FBI.”

“Exactly!” Partheny agreed. “You can poke fun at them like everyone else!”

Having no doubts, whatsoever, that Partheny’s version of poking fun at something, or someone, was far different than his own interpretation of such, Gibbs frowned and gave the young woman an exhausted look.

“Are you honestly asking me to _bully_ the FBI?” 

“It’s not bullying,” Thomas refuted, “It’s trolling.”

“What – “

“I think your generation called it razzing.” Thomas supplied.

“Only today, it’s more of a mutual thing.” Tim elaborated. “You know, you razz someone and then they razz you right back. It’s all in good fun, really.”

“Tim even started a flame war with the TheFBIGuys!” Partheny gushed. “It was hilarious!”

Despite being fully cognizant of the fact that young adult males were markedly sensitive about having their manliness called into question, having been one himself at one point in time, Gibbs still found that he couldn’t help but question his youngest agent on the topic of whether or not he was currently being harassed by a large government organization, as he knew his youngest agent to be regrettably passive at times when a more forceful approach was called for.

“Tim, are you being bullied by the FBI?” Gibbs demanded, already beginning to feel his paternal instincts kicking into overdrive.

“What, no?” Tim frowned. “It was just a flame war, Gibbs. It was _fun_.”

“Show me their profile.” Gibbs demanded.

“Gibbs,” Tim sighed, reluctantly the surrendering the phone back into his hands, “You don’t need to start beef with TheFBIGuys on my behalf.”

“You wouldn’t _want_ to either.” Thomas advised. “They have 40 million subscribers.”

Not at all afraid of the FBI, in _any_ facet, whether it be online or in real life, Gibbs scoffed audibly before returning his attention back onto the screen of his phone.

“I just want to take a look.” Gibbs insisted, already ‘scooting’ down on his phone.

“Gibbs – “

“I just want to look.” Gibbs reassured Tim. “That’s all.” 

Finally coming to the reluctant conclusion that his boss’s will would not be subverted in this particular regard, Tim sighed dejectedly but nonetheless took his defeat like man as he patiently turned his focus away from Gibbs and placed it, instead, on the massive gaming rig he current had set up in his living room – which left Gibbs alone to ‘scoot’ through the FBI’s tweets in relative peace, with the only real exception to that tranquility being Tim’s constant offers to get him something to drink.

Much to his great surprise, TheFBIGuy’s Twitter ‘string’ was generally very appropriate and even informative to a certain degree, with several well-written updates on the more popular cases currently being investigated being the apparent norm alongside a smattering of tastefully provocative pictures of FBI agents mugging it up for their fans. It wasn’t until he had been scooting through their feed for a solid good minute, or maybe even two, that Gibbs actually stumbled across the first incident of obvious ‘trolling.’ And it was only a little bit after _that_ , that Gibbs stumbled across the residual proof of _Tim’s_ own personal razzing war.

**TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P @ McGangster: Get McFucked, Millennial.**

**McGangster** **P@TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P: That’s what your mom said, Boomer.**

What chaos devolved from there, Gibbs could only say was juvenile – but, again, largely harmless up until he stumbled across a post suggesting that Tim ought to be fired for being a ‘pernicious Aries.’ Whatever the fuck _that_ meant.

**The_Lone_Agent @ TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P : McGangster is an asset to his team which is likely more than can be said for you.**

But sure enough, almost as sound as he had sent it, Tim’s phone whistled loudly and seemingly alerted him to the fact.

“Gibbs!” Tim whined. “You’re going to get flamed!”

“I had to do it.” Gibbs defended, shrugging into his coat. “And don’t worry, I can handle anything anyone throws at me. Enjoy you InterTube.”

It was only after Gibbs had returned home, showered, and eaten a quick supper of a sandwich and chips, that his new phone whistled, loudly, and alerted him to the fact that he had just gotten a Twitter.

**TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P @ The The_Lone_Agent: I retired at 50, but was, undoubtably, one of the finest assets of the FBI.**

**The_Lone_Agent @ TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P : Who retires so early? That sounds lazy.**

**TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P @ The_Lone_Agent: My job was an obviously stressful one.**

**The_Lone_Agent @ TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P : So is mine.**

**TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P @ The_Lone_Agent: It’s not a competition, but I’m sure I win in this regard.**

**The_Lone_Agent @ TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P : I investigate crimes for the Navy.**

**McGangster** **P @ TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P : He was also a Marine…just saying.**

**TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P @ McGangster** **P : Was? Who just quits the Marines?**

**The_Lone_Agent @ TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P : I was blue charged.**

**TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P @ The_Lone_Agent: Well, now I feel like an asshole.**

**The_Lone_Agent @ TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P : There’s a reason for that, I presume.**

**TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P @ The_Lone_Agent: RUDE!**

**The_Lone_Agent @ TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P : You were the one who insinuated my agent should be fired.**

**TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P @ The_Lone_Agent: He insinuated my mother was a whore. Which, while being true, was still pretty extreme.**

**The_Lone_Agent @ TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P : I’m sure he was provoked.**

**TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P @ The_Lone_Agent: So was I.**

**The_Lone_Agent @ TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P : He’s just a kid.**

**TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P @ The_Lone_Agent: I’m almost elderly.**

**The_Lone_Agent @ TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P : Which means you’ve lived long enough without having your feelings hurt.**

**TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P @ The_Lone_Agent: He hurt my feelings first. He said my jokes gave him AIDS.**

**The_Lone_Agent @ McGangster** **P : Don’t say things like that!**

**McGangster** **P @ The_Lone_Agent: Sorry, Boss.**

**Mouser87 @ McGangster** **P : Wait, do you know this newb?**

**The_Lone_Agent @ McGangster** **P : What the fuck is a newb?**

**McGangster** **P @ Mouser87: He’s my boss.**

**McGangster** **P @ The_Lone_Agent: It’s the equivalent of a probie.**

**TrollyTodd @ McGangster** **P : Did you actually get your boss to fight your battles for you, since your real dad hates your guts?**

**The_Lone_Agent@ TrollyTodd: Did you get that ridiculous horse shirt because you weight as much as one?**

**The_Lone_Agent: Let it be known, I posted on my own accord. Because McGangster is a good agent and he deserves to know that.**

**JollyFatCakes: I’d like to launch a formal petition to make @The_Lone_Agent @McGangster’s** **P new dad.**

**McGangster** **P @ JollyFatCakes: Stop making these asinine petitions. My Dad is…alright.**

**DinoWasHisName-O @ McGangster** **P : He hit you with a sledgehammer…**

**The_Lone_Agent @ McGangster** **P : WHAT?!**

**McGangster** **P @ The_Lone_Agent: Please don’t go all John Wick on him, Boss. I may be his only beneficiary but I get nothing unless he dies from an act of God.**

**The_Lone_Agent @ McGangster** **P : What if he dies of Godlike wrath?**

**TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P: I’ll remind you that you’re posting this on a public FBI profile.**

**The_Lone_Agent @ TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P : The FBI doesn’t even act competently at the best of times. I’m sure I’ll be fine.**

**TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P @ The_Lone_Agent: The Marines have been used all throughout history to undermine the democracy of several small countries.**

**The_Lone_Agent @ TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P : The FBI actively worked against desegregation efforts…just saying.**

**TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P @ The_Lone_Agent: Oh yeah, well, I bet my dad could beat up your dad.**

**Fornelll** **P @ TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P : Your dad is dead…**

**TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P @ Fornelll** **P : Stop sharing FBI secrets!**

**Fornelll** **P @ TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P : Several people were invited to his very public funeral, asshole.**

**SharpshooterSara @ TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P @Fornelll** **P: That funeral casserole was banging.**

**Fornelll** **P @ SharpshooterSara: That was wildly inappropriate.**

**The_Lone_Agent @ Fornelll** **P : You don’t get to talk about inappropriate behaviors at formal events.**

**TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P @ The_Lone_Agent @ Fornelll** **P : Do I detect some beef?**

**Fornelll** **P @ TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P : In my own defense, The_Lone_Agent is only salty with me because I accidentally put a stop to his wedding.**

**JeepersCreepers: Someone wanna tell me who this Lone Agent guy is? And how he knows so many popular people…?**

**Marvin’sDay: Where the fuck has this asshole been hiding?**

**McGangster** **P @ Marvin’sDay: He was lying in wait, like The Goddamn Batman.**

**Fornelll** **P @ McGangster** **P @ TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P : The_Lone_Agent didn’t even know what a DVR was until two years ago.**

**The_Lone_Agent @ Fornelll** **P : Fornelll’s mustache almost turned me straight.**

**PattyCakes @ The_Lone_Agent: I’m not saying I disagree about the whole mustache thing, because I’m not, but how did @Fornelll** **P ruin your wedding?**

**The_Lone_Agent @ PattyCakes: He told the pastor I was only marrying my fiancée to have a beard.**

**JuicyK @ Fornelll** **P : What the fuck?!**

**Fornelll** **P @ JuicyK: At the time, I had presumed she didn’t know she was being used.**

**TBagginsTheseNuts @ Fornelll** **P : You couldn’t have asked?!**

**DianeBaby @ TBagginsTheseNuts: He’s never been good about communicating.**

**The_Lone_Agent @ TBagginsTheseNuts @ Fornelll** **P : To be fair, Fornelll wasn’t invited to the wedding because he was trying to steal my beard – for whatever non-beard related reason.**

**DianeBaby @ The_Lone_Agent: You know you’ve made it when a gay guy is still salty about you marrying someone else.**

**The_Lone_Agent @ DianeBaby: I’m only salty because he ruined our wedding. I worked HARD on our cake**

**TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P @ The_Lone_Agent: With a mustache like @Fornelll’s, I feel bad for you @DianeBaby.**

**The_Lone_Agent @ TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P : As much as I enjoyed that tweet, I refuse to like it out of principal.**

**TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P @ The_Lone_Agent: Don’t be a homophobe.**

**McGangster** **P @ TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P : Saying @The_Lone_Agent is homophobic is like saying Elton John is homophobic.**

**The_Lone_Agent @ McGangster** **P : Are you saying I’m flamboyant??**

**The_Lone_Agent@ McGangster** **P : Hello?!**

**The_Lone_Agent @ McGangster** **P : Timothy!**

**MedicalWeedExaminer** **@ The_Lone_Agent: To be fair, you do have a collection of Bath and Body candles…**

**MedicalWeedExaminer @ The_Lone_Agent: Your favorite movie is also Pride and Prejudice…**

**McGangster** **P @ The_Lone_Agent: I wasn’t trying to make any flamboyance jokes, I was just using the first gay guy that popped into my head.**

**MedicalWeedExaminer @ McGangster: I feel as if the flamboyancy accusation was perfectly appropriate.**

**The_Lone_Agent @ MedicalWeedExaminer: Don’t make me call your girlfriend.**

**MedicalWeedExaminer: I would like to rescind my earlier remarks. There has never been a man more manly than @The_Lone_Agent.**

**420Blazer: So @The_Lone_Agent knows @MedicalWeedExaminer, too!?**

**MedicalWeedExaminer @ 420Blazer: For all you amateur MMA fans out there, @The_Lone_Agent knows @TheDiabeticDisaster, too.**

**MMA4Life @ The_Lone_Agent: Do you know Demetrious Johnson??**

**The_Lone_Agent @ MMA4Life: No.**

**Buzzfeed** **P @ The_Lone_Agent: Are you secretly a celebrity?!**

**The_Lone_Agent @ Buzzfeed** **P : If I was, why would I admit that publicly?**

**McGangster** **P The_Lone_Agent: Don’t talk to Buzzfeed. NEVER talk to Buzzfeed. They’re the STD of the Twitterverse.**

**TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P @ The_Lone_Agent: Yeah, probably not a good idea to anger Buzzfeed** **P.**

**The_Lone_Agent @ TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P : I served in Vietnam. I’m not afraid of whatever a Buzzfeed is.**

**McGangster** **P @ The_Lone_Agent: Please stop taunting Buzzfeed.**

**Lorenzo** **P @ McGangster** **P: Leave @The_Lone_Agent alone. He’s doing the Lord’s work.**

Although Gibbs would have loved to stay on, just a little bit longer, in order to see just how that particular new line of conversation would go, he nonetheless logged off for the evening and climbed into bed, wanting to start his impending Saturday out in a good, and refreshed, mood. So imagine his great surprise when he awoke at six the next morning and discovered he had a good 20,000 followers that he hadn’t had before.

**TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P @ The_Lone_Agent: Let’s work together to defeat the evils of Buzzfeed. With our combined skills, we could take them down before breakfast.**

**TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P @ The_Lone_Agent: We can also work together to take on a Grand Slam at Perkins. I’m assuming you’re of age, of course.**

**TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P @ The_Lone_Agent: Scratch that. You served in Vietnam, so I KNOW you’re of age.**

**TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P @ The_Lone_Agent: Why are you ignoring me? Is it because I suggested Perkins for breakfast?**

**TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P @ The_Lone_Agent: I promise I’m not cheap – I just like breakfast foods.**

**TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P @ The_Lone_Agent: Don’t be a homophobe.**

**The_Lone_Agent @ TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P: I don’t need your help to take on a mediocre entertainment website.**

**The_Lone_Agent @ TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P: I don’t need your help to take on a Grand Slam either.**

**The_Lone_Agent @ TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P: I’m glad to see your math skills are at least somewhat serviceable.**

**The_Lone_Agent @ TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P: People who say they aren’t cheap, usually ARE cheap.**

**The_Lone_Agent @ TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P:You’re an idiot. But that’s not surprising, given your chosen profession.**

**FrankenFrank @ The_Lone_Agent @ TheMarineCorps: The United States military will take any old dumbass, the FBI has standards.**

**The_Lone_Agent @ FrankenFrank: 1 in 1000 FBI agents will commit a serious federal crime during the course of a year.**

**Scully** **P @ The_Lone_Agent: Marines are responsible for some of the worst war crimes ever committed.**

**The_Lone_Agent @ Scully** **P : The FBI is responsible for the death of Viola Liuzzo.**

**Mulder** **P @ The_Lone_Agent: Marines only ever enlist because their too stupid to get into college.**

**The_Lone_Agent @ Mulder** **P : They’re***

**The_Lone_Agent @ Mulder** **P : The FBI used criminal syndicate leader Whitey Bulger to get dirt on the Patriarca family, allowing him to get away with serious crimes in the interim.**

**FederalBoobInspector @ The_Lone_Agent: The FBI actually has intelligence standards…**

**McGangster** **P @ FederalBoobInspector: @The_Lone_Agent speaks over a dozen languages fluently. I think his intelligence is fine.**

**Scully** **P @ McGangster** **P : But what about yours, G?**

**The_Lone_Agent @ Scully** **P : When’s the last time NASA asked you for assistance on a special project?**

**CupcakeParty: I would hereby like to launch another formal petition to make @The_Lone_Agent @McGangster’s** **P dad.**

**ReprobateRachel: I’d like to launch my own petition to make @The_Lone_Agent my daddy.**

**The_Lone_Agent @ ReprobateRachel: Sorry, I already have a kid.**

**ReprobateRachel @ The_Lone_Agent: But will you be my Daddy**

**The_Lone_Agent @ ReprobateRachel: I just told you, I already have a kid.**

**McGangster** **P @ The_Lone_Agent: @Reprobate Rachel is asking something else entirely.**

**The_Lone_Agent @ McGangster** **P : ?**

**McGangster: Someone take this one for me. Please. I’ll send you free merch.**

**Swiggles89 @ The_Lone_Agent: https:www.urban.dictionary.com/define=Daddy.**

**McGangster** **P @ Swiggles89: What size shirt do you wear? DM me.**

**The_Lone_Agent @ McGangster** **P : How do I block someone?**

**  
TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P @ The_Lone_Agent: Of course you would chose to return right before I take my customary midday nap.**

**The_Lone_Agent @ TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P : You take a nap every day at noon?**

**TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P @ The_Lone_Agent: Yeah. Retirement is great.**

**Scully** **P @ TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P : Stop consorting with the enemy.**

**TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P @ Scully** **P : I don’t think I will.  
**

**TheFBIGuys: Alright, question of the day! Who is hotter, FBI agents or Marines?**

**Scully** **P : Here’s the poll. Choose wisely.**

**ReleasetheGarett @ TheFBIGuys** **P: I feel like we’re going to need some picture proof….**

**BasicAnne @ TheFBIGuys** **P: LOT’S of picture proof.**

**Jexebellina @ TheFBIGuys** **P : Shirtless proof even…**

While Gibbs would have been lying if he claimed not to enjoy the sort of candid photos that had followed such a demand for proof, particularly so the ones that involved a certain shirtless ‘boi,’ he outright refused to join in with the nonsense – even he was directly called out for not participating.

**BingusChungus @ The_Lone_Agent** **P : Are you just going to sit back and let everyone else do the hard work?**

**The_Lone_Agent @ BingusChungus: I never consented to this nonsense.**

**MedicalWeedExaminer @ BingusChungus: Enjoy. *Imgur.**

**The_Lone_Agent @ MedicalWeedExaminer: How the FUCK did you get that picture of me in Hanoi?**

**PatsyCakePatsyCake** **P @ MedicalWeedExaminer: You can’t just post one shirtless pic and run off. That’s cruel.**

**The_Lone_Agent @ MedicalWeedExaminer: If you post one more picture, I’m telling your girlfriend you’re to blame for that dent in her car.**

**MedicalWeedExaminer @ The_Lone_Agent: You’re an emotional terrorist.**

**Fornelll** **P : Fear not good people, I come bearing gifts. *Imgur. (GI Joe doll)**

**The_Lone_Agent @ Fornelll** **P : Here’s one of you. *Imgur (Trash Bag)**

**TheDiabeticDisaster @ McGangster** **P : Did you teach Boss how to shitpost?**

**McGangster** **P @ TheDiabeticDisaster: I sure did.**

**TheDiabeticDisaster @ McGangster** **P : BRB, gotta clean up my feed.**

**Mulder** **P @ McGangster** **P : Your Daddy won’t post on his own accord because he’s U-G-L-Y.**

**McGangster** **P *Imgur (19 year old Gibbs, shirtless, in rice field with his platoon)**

**The_Lone_Agent @ McGangster** **P: Where the hell did you get that picture, Timothy?!”**

**FrancescoRefresco @ The_Lone_Agent: You can find archived photos on the internet really easily. Here’s another one of you shirtless. *Imgur.**

**The_Lone_Agent @ FrancescoRefresco: _Stop._**

**Angie-E-I-E-I-O @ The_Lone_Agent: This pic made me so thirsty I might die of dehydration.**

**Dingus @ The_Lone_Agent: That pic has me wetter than the rice field he’s standing in.**

**The_Lone_Agent @ McGangster** **P: Fix this. Or you’ll be doing all the paperwork until you’re 21.**

**McGangster** **P: Stop thirst tweeting my boss, people. Or I won’t post new content!**

**TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P @ The_Lone_Agent: Stop weaponizing your child against us.**

**The_Lone_Agent @ TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P : Don’t tell me how to raise my children.**

**The_Lone_Agent @ TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P : Also, asking that my private photos not be shared isn’t anything but a basic request for privacy.**

**Gingerham @ The_Lone_Agent** **P : Denying us our thirst pics is a basic Civil Rights abuse.**

**The_Lone_Agent @ Gingerham: That haircut is a basic Civil Rights abuse.**

**NobodyPutsTonyInACorner @ McGangster** **P : Why did you teach my dad how to use Twitter!?**

**McGangster** **P @ NobodyPutsTonyInACorner: Remember last Tuesday, when you Saran-Wrapped my car? This is payback.**

**NobodyPutsTonyInACorner @ McGangster** **P : This is going to come back and bite you in the ass.**

**McGangster** **P @ NobodyPutsTonyInACorner: The world deserved more of Boss.**

**NobodyPutsTonyInACorner @ McGangster** **P : Watch your back in the bullpen, Monday.**

**The_Lone_Agent @ McGangster** **P @NobodyPutsTonyInACorner: Knock it off, you two.**

**TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P @ The_Lone_Agent: I liked how you took charge of your kids.**

**The_Lone_Agent @ TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P: Weren’t you going to take a nap?**

**TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P @ The_Lone_Agent: I can’t sleep after seeing your pics ;).**

**The_Lone_Agent @ TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P: I can see the FBI never taught you about sexual harassment.**

**TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P : @ The_Lone_Agent is homophobic.**

**The_Lone_Agent @ TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P : Not everyone that annoys is homophobic, asshole.**

**Scully** **P : The results are in!**

**Scully** **P : FBI agents are officially hotter than Marines.**

**Scully** **P: @The_Lone_Agent is somehow an exception though, despite having not been an official option in the poll. Kudos.**

**The_Lone_Agent @ McGangster** **P : We’re going to have a little talk on Monday.**

**ImmaSnack** **P: F.**

**TomTomBoi** **P: F.**

**Sgt.JamesPlmer @ TheFBIGuys: I don’t think @The_Lone_Agent’s likes should be counted towards the totals. He’s not even a real Marine.**

**Fornelll** **P: Pretty certain he was a ‘real’ Marine.**

**Sgt.JamesPlmer @ Fornelll** **P : He got kicked out though, so he’s not anymore.**

**ItsCaitlynBitch** **P @ Sgt.JamesPlmer: He got kicked out for being gay…Not for anything dishonorable.**

**Sgt.JamesPlmer @ ItsCaitlynBitch** **P: Our definitions of dishonorable are very different…**

**NobodyPutsTonyInACorner @ Sgt.JamesPlmer: How many purples hearts do YOU have, you old fat fogie?**

**McGangster** **P @ Sgt.JamesPlmer: @The_Lone_Agent has received more military honors than you have fingers.**

**McMcMcMcDonald @ Sgt.JamesPlmer: You look like the kind of drill sergeant who steals care packages from his privates.**

**Sgt.JamesPlmer @ TheFBIGuys** **P : @The_Lone_Agent still got kicked out for being a queer. And real Marines don’t get kicked out…Just saying.  
TheOGGeneral** **P @ Sgt.JamesPlmer: The U.S military has made some pretty stupid decisions over the years, but swearing you into service was one of the worst of those decisions. Alongside banning the gays.**

**MangosEveryDay @ Sgt.JamesPlmer: If the U.S military had been smart enough to harness the power of us gays, they’d have been unstoppable.**

**CptMayI @ TheFBIGuys** **P : The Queers don’t belong in the military. They just get in the way.**

**McGangster** **P @ CptMayI: @The_Lone_Agent is a war hero.**

**ItsCaitlynBitch** **P @ CptMayI: You look like a half-open can of Pillsbury dough biscuits. #Moo.**

**Scully** **P @ CptMayI: Your face looks like my Barbie did the one time I tried to dry her face with a blowtorch.**

**Mulder** **P @ CptMayI: You look like you smell like rotten cheese.**

**TheFBIGuys** **P : A quick trip to Google has revealed @CptMayI was given a dishonorable discharge for sleeping with underage civilians in Iraq.**

**TheFBIGuys** **P : Coincidently, private research has shown that some gingers really don’t have a soul.**

**Fornelll** **P @ The_Lone_Agent: Where did you go?**

Although Gibbs knew it was beyond ridiculous for a man his age to be run off the internet by some trolls, that’s exactly what he allowed to happen as logged out of Twitter and crawled back into bed.

_‘They’re just assholes, Dad.’_ Tony texted.

_‘I know. I’m just taking a break.’_ Gibbs excused.

_‘If it makes you feel any better, Tim and his followers just heckled the Marine Corps page into going private…Also Fornel just read a lot of Marines to filth._

 _‘Thanks for letting me know.’_ Gibbs texted. _‘I’ll log on tomorrow.’_

**TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P @ TheMarineCorps: I’ll fight you all.**

**TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P @ TheMarineCorps: Come at me.**

**TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P : It’s a sad world where our own military would rather support war criminals than war heroes. #TheUSMilitaryIsAJoke**

**FirebenderJohn: No joke, bootcamp made me try to kill myself. Multiple times…#TheUSMilitaryIsAJoke.**

**AmberRemembers: I was raped by my staff sergeant, but I was the only one who got discharged. #TheUSMilitaryIsAJoke.**

**MiracleDrew: I saved a fellow private from getting sniped, only for him to rat me out for being gay. He got a promotion and I got sent home. #TheUSMilitaryIsAJoke.**

**BlazingCain: I was drafted to Vietnam with more than half my graduating class, only six of us came back alive. #TheUSMilitaryIsAJoke.**

**TheMarineCorps** **P The United States Marine Corps apologizes for the actions of it’s subscribers and would like to take a moment to assert that the views of some are not the views of all. Thank you.**

**GingerFucker: @The United States Marine Corps is trying to save face, for recruiting purposes, by flagrantly lying about its bigotry. #ItsATrap**

**NonElectricBugaloo: If the United States Marine Corps tells you they’ll pay for your college - #ItsATrap**

**YoungTimer** **P: If the United States Marines Corps tell you they’ll take care of you after deployment - #ItsATrap**

**TheMarineCorps** **P This page has now gone private.**

**NobodyPutsTonyInACorner @ McGangster** **P : Did…Did you and your followers just bully the fucking Marines into shutting down their page?**

**McGangster** **P @ NobodyPutsTonyInACorner: On the internet, I am powerful.**

**ItsCaitlynBitch** **P @ McGangster** **P : Use your powers for good, and have your followers bully my boyfriend into not eating in our bed.**

**McGangster** **P @ ItsCaitlynBitch** **P : I refuse to do that on principal. If women can enjoy breakfast in bed on certain occasions, men should be able to as well.**

**ItsCaitlynBitch** **P @ McGangster** **P : THE CRUMBS!!!**

**ImmaSnack** **P @ ItsCaitlynBitch** **P : You could just incorporate food into your lovemaking, like @McGangster** **P and I do on occasion.**

**TheDiabeticDisaster** **P @ImmaSnack** **P : On the list of all the things I never needed to know, that was at the top of that list.**

**McGangster** **P @ ImmaSnack** **P : Stop tweeting about our sex life to the people I work with.**

**ItsCaitlynBitch** **P @ ImmaSnack** **P : I will literally pay you to stop.**

**ImmaSnack** **P @ ItsCaitlynBitch** **P : Help me organize my shoe closet and I’ll stop.**

**NobodyPutsTonyInACorner @ ImmaSnack** **P : @ItsCaitlynBitch would have done that for free.**

Having almost immediately made to log off of Twitter after Partheny had tweeted her obscene remark, Gibbs very nearly missed the series of private messages his annoying FBI stalker had sent him.

**_TheFBI’sFinestBoi_** **P : _Are you alright?_**

**_TheFBI’sFinestBoi_ ** **P : _I hope you’re not taking the things those asshats said seriously._**

**_TheFBI’sFinestBoi_ ** **P : _Don’t let a few assholes ruin your day._**

**_TheFBI’sFinestBoi_ ** **P : _Would it make you feel better if I hacked into their emails and subscribed them to DickInABox?_**

**_TheFBI’sFinestBoi_ ** **P : Just tell me you’re okay, alright? Then I’ll leave you alone.**

**_The_Lone_Agent: I’m alright._**

**ItsCaitlynBitch** **P : Settle an argument for me Twitter: Bare feet in the house is gross, right? I mean, that’s what house slippers are for.**

**MarieKondo** **P @ ItsCaitlynBitch** **P: Slippers can often add clutter.**

**ItsCaitlynBitch** **P @ MarieKondo** **P : That nonsense did NOT spark joy.**

**The_Lone_Agent @ ItsCaitlynBitch** **P : Just have your boyfriend wear socks. Is that not a fair compromise?**

**ItsCaitlynBitch** **P @ The_Lone_Agent: Socks are inside dirty shoes all day.**

**NobodyPutsTonyInACorner @ ItsCaitlynBitch** **P : You mop four days a weeks, whatever ‘shoe dirt’ my socks track in will be almost instantly destroyed.**

**TheDiabeticDisaster @ NobodyPutsTonyInACorner @ The_Lone_Agent: Are we still not going to acknowledge the fact @ItsCaitlynBitch** **P has OCD? Because it’s fine if we aren’t, I just want to know what the current consensus is.**

**ItsCaitlynBitch** **P @ NobodyPutsTonyInACorner: Just wear the fucking slippers!**

**NobodyPutsTonyInACorner @ ItsCaitlynBitch** **P : Give me one, non-OCD, related reason to.**

**ItsCaitlynBitch** **P @ NobodyPutsTonyInACorner: Because I’ll never do that thing you like for you again if you don’t.**

**The_Lone_Agent @ ItsCaitlynBitch** **P : And, just like that, I regret getting involved.**

**MedicalWeedExaminer: Cheese has holes. More cheese = more holes. More holes = less cheese. Therefore, more cheese = less cheese.**

**The_Lone_Agent @ MedicalWeedExaminer: You have a goddamn doctorate.**

**MedicalWeedExaminer @ The_Lone_Agent: I’m not wrong. The more cheese you have, the less cheese you have. #BigCheeseConspiracy.**

**McGangster** **P : What was everyone’s favorite part of the show last night?!**

**NobodyPutsTonyInACorner @ McGangster** **P: When it was over.**

**McGangster** **P @ ItsCaitlynBitch** **P : @NobodyPutsTonyInACorner used your manicure scissors on his toes last week. He didn’t even wash them afterwards.**

**The_Lone_Agent @ NobodyPutsTonyInACorner: Everyone press F to pay your respects.**

**TheDiabeticDisaster @ NobodyPutsTonyInACorner: F.**

**GobblingGunther @ NobodyPutsTonyInACorner: F.**

**The_Lone_Agent @ NobodyPutsTonyInACorner: Pour one out for our fallen homie.**

**NobodyPutsTonyInACorner @ McGangster** **P : Stop teaching my dad how to troll.**

**McGangster** **P @ NobodyPutsTonyInACorner: Never.**

**ImmaSnack** **P @ McGangster** **P : @NobodyPutsTonyInACorner is just jealous because his dad already has more followers than him after only 44 hours on Twitter.**

**TomTomBoi** **P @ The_Lone_Agent: Us gays are taking over the world, one platform at a time.**

**The_Lone_Agent @ TomTomBoi** **P : But first, we brunch.**

**NobodyPutsTonyInACorner @ McGangster** **P : Now look what you did! Dad is meming!**

**TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P Question of the day: Cake or Pie?**

**The_Lone_Agent @ TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P : Is this how you spend your retirement?**

**TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P @ The_Lone_Agent: I do other things…**

**The_Lone_Agent @ TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P : Such as?**

**TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P @ The_Lone_Agent: Answer my question first. Then I’ll answer yours.**

**The_Lone_Agent @ TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P Cake. Not only do you get the flavor of the cake, itself, but also the flavor of the filling and icing to boot. With pie you only get filling. And crust.**

**TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P @ The_Lone_Agent: But consider this – hot apple pie with ice cream.**

**McGangster** **P @ TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P : But consider this, my dad makes the best cake in the whole wide world.**

**ItsCaitlynBitch** **P @ McGangster** **P : You done goofed.**

**McGangster** **P @ ItsCaitlynBitch** **P : What?!**

**NobodyPutsTonyInACorner @ McGangster** **P : You just called my dad, dad.**

**McGangster** **P @ NobodyPutsTonyInACorner: NO I DIDN’T!!!**

**MedicalWeedExaminer @ McGangster** **P : You will show your father some respect, young man!**

**TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P @ McGangster** **P : Even though @The_Lone_Agent is wrong in regards to the whole pie/cake debate, he still deserves respect from his children.**

**The_Lone_Agent @ McGangster** **P : @TheFBI’sFinestBoi is right. You’re grounded.**

**McGangster** **P @ The_Lone_Agent:** **L**

**The_Lone_Agent @ McGangster** **P: I take that back. You can do whatever you want.**

**McGangster** **P @ The_Lone_Agent: Thanks, Dad!**

**MedicalWeedExaminer @ The_Lone_Agent: You’ll spoil @McGangster** **P.**

**The_Lone_Agent @ MedicalWeedExaminer: Don’t tell me how to raise my son. He’s all I have left in this world.**

**NobodyPutsTonyInACorner @ The_Lone_Agent:** **L**

**The_Lone_Agent @ NobodyPutsTonyInACorner: Don’t be juvenile.**

**MedicalWeedExaminer @ TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P: I rather think that Hostess cakes are the superior dessert.**

**Gordon_Ramsey** **P @ MedicalWeedExaminer: You are SINGLE-HANDEDLY responsible for the number of absurd meal-combination photos I get sent at three in the morning. Please. Just stop.**

**MedicalWeedExaminer @ Gordon_Ramsey: The day I let a Brit determine what I do, is the day I renounce my Scottish heritage. #FuckTheBritish**

**TheDiabeticDistater @ Gordon_Ramsey** **P : The British had the absolute audacity to colonize more than half the world for their resources, yet didn’t even bother to learn how to use the spices they stole. #FuckTheBritish**

**TheDaftestCunt @ Gordon_Ramsey** **P : You’re nowhere near attractive enough to get away with being such a cunt. #FuckTheBritish.**

**MedicalWeedExaminer @ Gordon_Ramsey: *Imgur (picture of the Scottish flag.)**

**BagpipingLassie @ Gordon_Ramsey: *Imgur (picture of the Scottish flag.)**

**The_Lone_Agent @ MedicalWeedExaminer: Did you just start beef with Gordon Ramsey?**

**MedicalWeedExaminer @ The_Lone_Agent: You’re not the only one allowed to make an enemy on Twitter.**

**The_Lone_Agent @ MedicalWeedExaminer: Just leave Ina Garten out of this. She’s an angel utterly undeserving of criticism.**

**TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P @ The_Lone_Agent: I fucking love @ Ina_Garten** **P. #WishICouldCook.**

**The_Lone_Agent @ TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P : You’re a grown ass man. Learn to follow a basic recipe.**

**MedicalWeedExaminer @ The_Lone_Agent: In @TheFBI’sFinestBoi defense, I’ve never tasted anything half so good as you’re capable of cooking/baking w/o a recipe.**

**Gordon_Ramsey @ MedicalWeedExaminer: If you have a mate that can cook so well, why the bloody hell do you insist on eating absolute garbage?!**

**The_Lone_Agent @ Gordon_Ramsey** **P : If you love cooking so much, why do you try to drive the joy of the art out of everyone who tries it? Cooking is meant to be enjoyed.**

**The_Lone_Agent @ Gordon Ramsey** **P : If you can’t attract the love of your abusive parents, abusing your staff is fine.**

**_Ina_Garten: Retweeted._**

**The_Lone_Agent @ Ina_Garten** **P : Did…Did you just retweet me?!**

**Ina_Garten** **P : I sure did! I always try to express my appreciation to fans.**

**Gordon_Ramsey** **P @ The_Lone_Agent: If you can’t attract any followers of your own, store-bought is fine.**

**Ina_Garten** **P @ Gordon_Ramsey: Don’t be a dick.**

**#GordonRamseyIsaDick is trending.**

**Fornelll** **P @ The_Lone_Agent: Did you and @Ina_Garten just bully Gordon Ramsey off of Twitter?**

**The_Lone_Agent @ Fornelll** **P : It’s what he deserved.**

**ImmaSnack** **P #GetLoneAgentOnInaGartensShow**

**#GetLoneAgentOnInaGartensShow is trending.**

**TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P @ The_Lone_Agent: If you get on @ Ina_Garten show, you have to take me with.**

**The_Lone_Agent @ TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P : I don’t have to do shit.**

**TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P @ The_Lone_Agent: Don’t be homophobic.**

**TheCookingChanel** **P**

**The_Lone_Agent: *Imgur (Picture of a red velvet cake)**

**Forensic_Abbyyyyy: Isn’t red velvet more of a ‘winter’ cake.**

**ImmaSnack** **P @ Forensic_Abbyyyyy: Isn’t being a goth more of a teenage thing?**

**The_Lone_Agent @ ImmaSnack** **P : Don’t be rude.**

**The_Lone_Agent @ Forensic_Abbyyyyy: Flavor has no season.**

**Ina_Garten** **P @ The_Lone_Agent: Looks tasty! DM the recipe!**

**Fornelll** **P @ The_Lone_Agent: Did…Did you just become Twitter besties with @Ina_Garten?**

**Ina_Garten @ Fornelll** **P : He sure did.**

**ImmaSnack** **P : 90,000 retweets and @McGangster** **P has to take me to Taco Bell for my birthday.**

**The_Lone_Agent @ McGangster** **P : Don’t be cheap, take your girlfriend to Taco Bell.**

**McGangster** **P @ The_Lone_Agent: But I already made reservations at the fanciest place in the city.**

**The_Lone_Agent @ McGangster** **P : @ImmaSnack** **P wants Taco Bell. So take her to Taco bell.**

**ImmaSnack** **P @ McGangster** **P : See, even @The_Lone_Agent knows how to treat a lady right. And he’s not even straight.**

**ItsCaitlynBitch** **P : The gays are at in again.**

**The_Lone_Agent @ ItsCaitlynBitch** **P : Stop pouting just because I told you that your lavender paint was really periwinkle. #TheGaysAreInnocent.**

**NobodyPutsTonyInACorner @ The_Lone_Agent: I demand satisfaction for my girlfriend’s distress.**

**The_Lone_Agent @ NobodyPutsTonyInACorner: If @ItsCaitlynBitch** **P can’t comprehend the differences between two fairly distinct shades of a certain color, it’s not my fault. #TheGaysAreInnocent.**

**TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P: If Madonna doesn’t understand that she’s now irrelevant, that’s the straight peoples fault. #TheGaysAreInnocent.**

**BiggusChungus: If the straights don’t understand and appreciate coffee culture, that’s on them. #TheGaysAreInnocent.**

**Jarvis61: If the straights can’t move as fast as us gays can, that’s not our fault. #TheGaysAreInnocent.**

**TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P: If the straights can’t claim Lady Gaga as their own, that’s not our fault. #TheGaysAreInnocent.**

**The_Lone_Agent @ TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P: What’s a Lady Gaga?  
TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P @ The_Lone_Agent: I’m about to blow your fucking mind.**

**The_Lone_Agent @ TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P: You were right about Lady Gaga. She’s an absolute treasure.**

**MedicalWeedExaminer @ The_Lone_Agent: I can’t believe that, at one point in time, you thought you were straight.**

**The_Lone_Agent @ MedicalWeedExaminer: Liking Lady Gaga isn’t inherently gay. Just mostly.**

**MedicalWeedExaminer @ The_Lone_Agent: You collect scented candles.**

**The_Lone_Agent @ MedicalWeedExaminer: I like my house to smell good.**

**MedicalWeedExaminer @ The_Lone_Agent: You are almost single-handedly responsible for keeping the local Lush open.**

**The_Lone_Agent @ MedicalWeedExaminer: I like to smell good.**

**MedicalWeedExaminer @ The_Lone_Agent: You paint your toenails.**

**The_Lone_Agent @ MedicalWeedExaminer: You’re afraid of chickens.**

**MedicalWeedExaminer @ The_Lone_Agent: You have a crush on Colin Firth.**

**The_Lone_Agent @ MedicalWeedExaminer: You got me there.**

**TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P @ The_Lone_Agent: Fun fact, the novel version of Charles Bingly was my gay awakening.**

**MedicalWeedExaminer @ TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P : @The_Lone_Agent ‘s was The Lone Ranger.**

**TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P @ The_Lone_Agent: Seems kind of racist to favor The Lone Ranger over Tonto…just saying.**

**The_Lone_Agent @ TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P: Tonto lacked mystery.**

**TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P @ The_Lone_Agent: So, you like mystery, huh? Does that mean if I show up at your place, in a mask, I can take you out to Perkins?**

**The_Lone_Agent @ TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P: You’d get a drive to the hospital.**

**Ina_Garten** **P @ TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P: Maybe @ The_Lone_Agent would prefer somewhere a little nicer for a first date.**

**The_Lone_Agent @ Ina_Garten** **P : I love you Ina, but I’m not going out with this man.**

**TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P : Is Perkins an acceptable venue for a first date? Yes or no?**

**NobodyPutsTonyInACorner @ TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P : Nobody, or place, is good enough for my dad.**

**McGangster** **P @ NobodyPutsTonyInACorner: Except Dolly Parton. But I don’t think they’d make a good couple for obvious reasons.**

**ImmaSnack** **P @ TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P : Take him to Taco Bell instead.**

**McGangster** **P @ ImmaSnack** **P : Not everyone loves Taco Bell as much as you do.**

**ItsCaitlynBitch** **P @ McGangster** **P : @ImmaSnack** **P doesn’t even love you as much as she loves Taco Bell.**

**ImmaSnack** **P @ ItsCaitlynBitch: … I would like to plead the fifth.**

**The_Lone_Agent @ McGangster** **P : F.**

**TomTomBoi** **P @ McGangster** **P : F.**

**MedicalWeedExaminer @ TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P: I rather think that White Castle is the superior dating venue.**

**TheDiabeticDisaster @ TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P : They are ALL wrong. The only acceptable venue for @ The_Lone_Agent is Devereaux’s Cajun Food.**

**The_Lone_Agent @ McGangster** **P @ NobodyPutsTonyInACorner: How is it that @TheDiabeticDisaster got this one right, and my own children didn’t?**

**McGangster** **P @ The_Lone_Agent: To be perfectly fair, I was kind of terrified of you for the first six months or our working relationship.**

**The_Lone_Agent @ McGangster** **P:** **L You’re grounded.**

**HollyHoliday: @ McGangster** **P is a homophobe.**

**#McGangster is a homophobe is trending.**

**The_Lone_Agent: Stop trolling @McGangster** **P. He’s a cinnamon roll and has done no wrong, ever.**

**ImmaSnack** **P @ The_Lone_Agent: @McGangster** **P wasn’t going to take me to Taco Bell.**

**The_Lone_Agent @ ImmaSnack** **P: @McGangster** **P did though, didn’t he?**

**ImmaSnack** **P @ The_Lone_Agent: You win this round.**

**ItsCaitlynBitch** **P @ The_Lone_Agent @ McGangster** **P one rearranged my spice rack as an April Fool’s joke.**

**The_Lone_Agent @ ItsCaitlynBitch** **P: @McGangster is a *Sinnamon roll. Are you happy now?**

**ItsCaitlynBitch** **P @ The_Lone_Agent: No. I still have PTSD flashbacks of the day @McGangster violated my kitchen.**

**TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P @ The_Lone_Agent: I’ll take you wherever you go, if you just agree to go out with me. Except Red Lobster.**

**The_Lone_Agent @ TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P: Seems kind of cheap.**

**TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P @ The_Lone_Agent: I hate seafood. But I’m willing to suffer through hunger if you really want to hit up Red Lobster for our first date.**

**YouDontKnowWhoIam #MakeFinestAgentAThing.**

**Sfsfsfsdf #MakeFinestAgentAThing.**

**Ewete #MakeFinestAgentAThing.**

**Ewokian #MakeFinestAgentAThing.**

**Ina_Garten #MakeFinestAgentAThing.**

**#MakeFinestAgentAThing is trending.**

**TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P : Where should I take @The_Lone_Agent on our first date?**

**CrosbyRosby @ TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P: On a picnic!**

**MedicalWeedExaminer @ CrosbyRosby: @The_Lone_Agent is always cold. He would freeze to death on a picnic.**

**CrosbyRosby @ MedicalWeedExaminer: But it’s April…**

**MedicalWeedExaminer @ CrosbyRosby: Always. Cold.**

**TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P @ MedicalWeedExaminer: I would keep him warm. With the heat of my adoration.**

**MedicalWeedExaminer @ TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P : This isn’t Hallmark.**

**MarvinsGardins @ TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P : Take him to a movie! That way you don’t have to feel pressured to keep up a conversation.**

**The_Lone_Agent @ MarvinsGardins: That might actually increase @TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P ‘s chances of securing a date with me. 10/10.**

**TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P @ The_Lone_Agent: Why do you hate me when I show you nothing but love? And also quality music?**

**TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P @ The_Lone_Agent: How about a boat ride? I promise to talk only a little bit.**

**The_Lone_Agent @ TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P : I don’t want to get on a boat with you.**

**TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P @ The_Lone_Agent: Why?**

**The_Lone_Agent @ TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P : Because the implication that something might go wrong if I make you upset.**

**SparkleShine** **P @ The_Lone_Agent: What the absolute fuck happened to you that would make you think that such a thing would happen?**

**HoofHearted @ SparkleShine** **P : Well, he was in the Navy so…**

**Ina_Garten** **P : If someone were to get me the names of those people, that would be just great.**

**Fornelll** **P @ Ina_Garten** **P : Check your DMs.**

**TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P @ The_Lone_Agent: Our first date can be somewhere crowded. Would that make you feel safer?**

**The_Lone_Agent @ TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P Why do you still assume that there’s even going to be a first date? No means no.**

**The_Lone_Agent: Check out @ItsCaitlynBitch** **P ‘s massive progress on @ImmaSnack** **P ‘s closet.**

**BobertYosef @ ItsCaitlynBitch** **P : Congrats. You’ve done the impossible in making @ImmaSnack** **P ‘s closet look functional again.**

**Tink @ The_Lone_Agent: How the hell do you know all these people? Are they ALL related to you?**

**McGangster** **P Tink: On this glorious day, we are ALL @The_Lone_Agent ‘s children.**

**NobodyPutsTonyInACorner @ McGangster** **P : Stop giving people ideas. I’m still salty about having to share Dad with you.**

**The_Lone_Agent @ NobodyPutsTonyInACorner: Stop fighting with your brother on Twitter.**

**SmarmyMarmy @ NobodyPutsTonyInACorner @ McGangster** **P : And take it outside like REAL men.**

**The_Lone_Agent @ NobodyPutsTonyInACorner @ McGangster** **P : DO NOT!**

**TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P @ The_Lone_Agent: Holy shit! Check out this fan made art of us from @ BingusChungus. *Imgur.**

**ImmaSnack** **P @ BingusChungus: That’s absolutely fucking adorable.**

**The_Lone_Agent @ TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P : Why the fuck am I a full six inches shorter than you?!**

**TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P @ The_Lone_Agent: Because I’m 6’4.**

**The_Lone_Agent @ TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P : And I’m 6’1.**

**TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P @ The_Lone_Agent: #IttyBitty.**

**The_Lone_Agent @ TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P : The only ‘small’ thing about me is my patience.**

**Giggles300 @ The_Lone_Agent: #TMI!**

**The_Lone_Agent @ Giggles300: For God’s Sake, that was NOT what I meant.**

**Giggles300: #TheLoneAgentIsHung**

**MedicalWeedExaminer @ Giggles300: I’ve seen for myself. #TheLoneAgentIsHung.**

**GobblingGertie: More like ‘Long’ Agent… #TheLoneAgentIsHung.**

**The_Lone_Agent** **P: I’ve never been so harassed in my life, and I was a queer in the Marines.**

**The_Lone_Agent** **P @ McGangster** **P: Wait, what does that checkmark mean!?**

**TomTomBoi** **P @ The_Lone_Agent** **P : It means you’re finally verified. After only two months on Twitter. Kudos.**

**The_Lone_Agent @ TomTomBoi** **P: Does that mean people can find me?**

**TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P @ The_Lone_Agent** **P : Don’t worry. I’ll protect you.**

**ImmaSnack** **P @ The_Lone_Agent** **P : Congrats, you’re officially a cool kid now. I’m proud of you son.**

**The_Lone_Agent** **P @ ImmaSnack** **P : Thanks grandpa.**

**The_Lone_Agent** **P : Imgur* (Picture of dozens of baked goods)**

**Mercutio @ The_Lone_Agent: Who is that all for? Did you finally cave in and start dating @ TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P ?**

**The_Lone_Agent** **P @ Mercutio: @TheFBI’sFinestBoi only wishes this was for him. It’s actually @NobodyPutsTonyInACorner ‘s birthday.**

**HeeHee @ The_Lone_Agent** **P : Can I be your son?**

**FlowBots @ The_Lone_Agent** **P: Why didn’t @ItsCaitlynBitch** **P make @NobodyPutsTonyInACorner something instead?**

**NobodyPutsTonyInACorner** **P @ FlowBots: You don’t go to a Walmart bakery when theirs a professional baker nearby.**

**ItsCaitlynBitch** **P @ NobodyPutsTonyInACorner: Are you calling me Walmart?**

**McGangster** **P @ NobodyPutsTonyInACorner: F.**

**NobodyPutsTonyInACorner @ ItsCaitlynBitch** **P : You’re only a Walmart when it comes to baking. For everything else, you’re a Target.**

**McGangster** **P @ NobodyPutsTonyInACorner: #RomanticThings.**

**TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P : If this post reaches 100,000 likes, @The_Lone_Agent** **P has to go out on a date with me.**

**The_Lone_Agent** **P @ TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P : No, he doesn’t.**

**The_Lone_Agent** **P @ TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P : I am, however, curious as to how this asinine campaign will go.**

**TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P : You’re all homophobes! Only 70,000 retweets!?  
  
**

**The_Lone_Agent** **P: *Imgur (painting of Jethro, the dog)**

**TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P @ The_Lone_Agent** **P : You could always paint me like one of your French girls. ;)**

**McGangster** **P @ TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P : Dude, that’s my _dad_. Use your DM’s for this.**

**TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P : Help me out, people. I’m trying to write a poem, but nothing rhymes with agent.**

**RabbiBigFoot** **P @ TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P : Are you trying to write a love poem for @The_Lone_Agent?**

**TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P @ RabbiBigFoot** **P : …Maybe.**

**The_Lone_Agent** **P @ TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P : Tell you what, if you manage to write a full-paged poem, in iambic pentameter, asking me out, I will go on a date with you.**

**TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P @ The_Lone_Agent** **P : Could we make it a haiku?**

**The_Lone_Agent** **P @ TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P : No, prove your devotion.**

**TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P : Guess who has a date this Friday?**

**TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P : Not me!** **L**

**BarefootContessa** **P @ TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P : F.**

**Ina_Garten** **P @ TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P: F.**

**TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P @ The_Lone_Agent** **P: MEANIE!**

**The_Lone_Agent** **P @ TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P: You plagiarized a section of your poem. From the Book of Solomon!**

**TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P @ The_Lone_Agent** **P : Only two lines!**

**The_Lone_Agent** **P @ TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P : You had ONE job.**

**TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P @ The_Lone_Agent** **P : Give me another chance.**

**The_Lone_Agent** **P @ TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P : Don’t disappoint me again.**

**McGangster** **P : What new content would everyone like to see?**

**ImmaSnack** **P: A proposal!**

**The_Lone_Agent** **P @ McGangster** **P @ ImmaSnack** **P: NO PROPOSALS! YOU. ARE. BOTH. BABIES!**

**ImmaSnack** **P @ McGangster** **P : My ring size is a 6.**

**The_Lone_Agent** **P @ McGangster** **P @ ImmaSnack** **P : Do you two really want to get married before you can even legally drink at the reception?**

**ImmaSnack** **P @ McGangster** **P : @The_Lone_Agent** **P is right. Let’s wait another year.**

**TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P @ McGangster** **P : I want to see you using your influence to get your dad to go out on a date with me.**

**The_Lone_Agent** **P @ TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P : Stop trying to weaponize my child against me.**

**TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P @ The_Lone_Agent** **P : Just give me another chance. I swear I won’t blow it.**

**The_Lone_Agent** **P @ TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P : If you get 80,000 retweets, in two hours, I will go on a date with you.**

**TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P @ The_Lone_Agent** **P : For you, I will do the impossible.**

**TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P: It’s official, if 80,000 people retweet this post @The_Lone_Agent** **P will finally go out with me!**

**The_Lone_Agent** **P : Retweet with your conscience.**

**TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P: COME ON, PEOPLE! WE ONLY HAVE AN HOUR LEFT!**

**TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P: We’re going to make it after all!**

**TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P : Fuck, we’re not going to make it.** **L**

**McGangster** **P : Everyone go like @TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P ‘s tweet!**

**TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P : We’re getting closer!!!**

**TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P : 99,999!!! Someone help, quick!**

**The_Lone_Agent** **P : _Retweeted you._**

**TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P : Its finally happening!!!!!**

**Ina_Garten** **P @ TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P : I had better hear good reports about this date.**

**#TheLoneAgentDeservesCajunFood is trending.**

**TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P : Do I bring flowers to a first date with a man?**

**Fornelll** **P @ TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P : He likes dandelions and violets.**

**TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P @ Fornelll** **P : But it’s only April.**

**Fornelll** **P @ TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P : I don’t know what to tell you.**

**TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P : Where can I find dandelions in the middle of April?**

**Scully** **P @ TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P : _HerbsHerbs_. **

**TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P @ Scully** **P : You’re the greatest.**

**Mulder** **P @ TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P : Believe me, @Scully** **P already knows that.**

**TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P @ The_Lone_Agent** **P : I’m taking you to get Cajun food.**

**Ina_Garten** **P @ TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P : You had best make it worth his while.**

**McGangster** **P : Just got my braces off!!! I’m going to eat ALL the candy!!!**

**ImmaSnack** **P : Someone help! @McGangster** **P just ordered five pounds of gummy bears!**

**McGangster** **P : Anyone know how to make a will. Pretty sure I’m dying.**

**The_Lone_Agent** **P @ McGangster** **P : Do you need me to come over?**

**ImmaSnack** **P @ The_Lone_Agent** **P : Please do! This is a job for a dad, not a girlfriend.**

**TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P : Just curious, what would be the applicable charges if one were to kidnap a federal agent? Just asking for a friend…**

**Fornelll** **P @ TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P : You’d be dead before you even got @The_Lone_Agent in your car.**

**The_Lone_Agent** **P @ TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P : You can wait two days.**

**TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P @ The_Lone_Agent** **P : I don’t honestly think that I can.**

**The_Lone_Agent** **P @ TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P : I could put it off until next week.**

**TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P @ The_Lone_Agent** **P : But I have reservations!!!**

**The_Lone_Agent** **P @ TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P: Coincidentally, so do I…**

**TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P : HELP! I AM NERVOUS!**

**MedicalWeedExaminer @ TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P : I have something that could help with that.**

**The_Lone_Agent** **P @ TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P : If you show up to our first date high, I’m blocking you.**

**Ina_Garten** **P @ TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P : Just be yourself.**

**TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P @ Ina_Garten** **P : I’m trying to get him to like me, though.**

**Fornelll** **P @ Ina_Garten** **P : @TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P is already FBI, so he’s starting out at a deficit.**

**NobodyPutsTonyInACorner @ Fornelll** **P: But @TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P is also tall…so that adds a few points in his favor.**

**The_Lone_Agent** **P : I just want to make it known that I regret each and every decision that has led up to this date.**

**Fornelll** **P @ The_Lone_Agent** **P: Too late. This is happening.**

**The_Lone_Agent** **P : If something happens to me on this date, I just want to make it known that @TheFBI’sFinestBoi is to blame.**

**Ina_Garten** **P @ The_Lone_Agent** **P: I will avenge you.**

**The_Lone_Agent** **P @ Ina_Garten** **P: Thanks, Ina.**

**TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P : I’m in love!!!**

**ImmaSnack** **P @ The_Lone_Agent** **P : What’s your verdict?  
The_Lone_Agent** **P @ ImmaSnack** **P : It was more than acceptable. 9/10.**

**JJBing** **P @ The_Lone_Agent** **P : Why only 9/10?**

**The_Lone_Agent** **P @ JJBing** **P: @TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P made a series of fairly cheesy jokes throughout the meal.**

**TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P @ The_Lone_Agent** **P : You laughed though.**

**The_Lone_Agent** **P @ TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P : Once.**

**NobodyPutsTonyInACorner @ TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P : Don’t let @The_Lone_Agent fool you. He’s been grinning all day.**

**NobodyPutsTonyInACorner @ The_Lone_Agent** **P: Is it too soon to start talking about wedding venues?**

**The_Lone_Agent** **P @ ItsCaitlynBitch** **P : @NobodyPutsTonyInACorner was the one who stained your formal towels, not a renegade squirrel.**

**McGangster** **P @ NobodyPutsTonyInACorner: F. It was nice knowing you bro.**

**Mulder** **P @ ItsCaitlynBitch** **P : What the fuck are formal towels?**

**TheDiabeticDisaster @ Mulder** **P: @ItsCaitlynBitch has mild OCD when it comes to organization.**

**ItsCaitlynBitch** **P: On my way to commit felony murder.**

**The_Lone_Agent** **P @ NobodyPutsTonyInACorner: F.**

**  
TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P : Where should I take @The_Lone_Agent on our next date?**

**The_Lone_Agent** **P @ TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P : I never consented to a second date.**

**TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P @ The_Lone_Agent** **P: I thought you might say that, so I stole your wallet yesterday. Now you _have_ to agree to another date. **

**The_Lone_Agent** **P @ TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P: That sounds an awful lot like coercion.**

**ImmaSnack** **P @ TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P: Take @The_Lone_Agent** **P to Taco Bell.**

**The_Lone_Agent** **P @ ImmaSnack** **P: Do you own Taco Bell stock?**

**McGangster** **P @ The_Lone_Agent** **P: @ImmaSnack** **P Just really enjoys Taco Bell.**

**ImmaSnack** **P @ The_Lone_Agent** **P : Taco Bell and @McGangster are the only things that make me happy in this life.**

**TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P @ The_Lone_Agent** **P : Let’s go on a nice drive.**

**The_Lone_Agent** **P @ TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P: I don’t want to be alone in a car with someone I just met.**

**TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P @ The_Lone_Agent** **P: Dare I ask why?**

**The_Lone_Agent** **P @ TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P: Because of the implication that something might go wrong if I upset you.**

**Ina_Garten** **P @ The_Lone_Agent** **P: Who hurt you?! I need names!**

**MedicalWeedExaminer @ Ina_Garten** **P : I just sent you a DM.**

**ImmaSnack** **P: @Ina_Garten is going to commit murder today. Stay tuned folks.**

**The_Lone_Agent** **P @ ImmaSnack** **P : @Ina_Garten is going to do no such thing.**

**The_Lone_Agent** **P @ Ina_Garten** **P : Right, Ina?**

**The_Lone_Agent** **P @ Ina_Garten** **P : Ina?!**

**Ina_Garten** **P : My lawyers would like me to make it known that I did not, in fact, kill anyone.**

**GoGoGadgetDildo @ Ina_Garten** **P : But what DID you do?**

**Ina_Garten** **P @ GoGoGadgetDildo: Let’s allow a little mystery into our lives.**

**The_Lone_Agent** **P: We’re not married, but I’m already searching for divorce lawyers because of @TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P ‘s actions.**

**Scully** **P @ The_Lone_Agent** **P : I’m sure @ Fornelll knows a few good ones.**

**Mulder** **P @ Scully** **P : Savage.**

**TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P @ The_Lone_Agent** **P : I said I was sorry!**

**McGangster** **P @ TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P : What did you do to my dad?!**

**TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P @ McGangster** **P : I accidentally nailed him with the car door when I went to open it for him.**

**McGangster** **P @ The_Lone_Agent** **P : I thought you were against getting into cars with strangers.**

**The_Lone_Agent** **P @ McGangster** **P : I trusted @TheFBI’sFinestBoi. But then look what happened!**

**TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P @ The_Lone_Agent** **P I was trying to make a good impression!**

**McGangster** **P @ TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P : You had ONE job.**

**TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P : I need everyone’s help with writing an apology haiku.**

**ImmaSnack** **P @ The TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P : Do your apologies typically involve poetry, or are you just trying to be cute?  
TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P @ ImmaSnack** **P : I was also going to involve coffee.**

**ItsCaitlynBitch** **P @ ImmaSnack** **P : How does @McGangster** **P typically apologize to you?**

**ImmaSnack** **P @ ItsCaitlynBitch** **P : That situation hasn’t come up yet.**

**The_Lone_Agent** **P @ ItsCaitlynBitch** **P : See, I told you @McGangster** **P was a cinnamon roll.**

**MedicalWeedExaminer @ The_Lone_Agent** **P : @ McGangster** **P once glued all my drawers shut.**

**ItsCaitlynBitch** **P @ The_Lone_Agent** **P : @ McGangster** **P once poured a pound of glitter under my bedsheets.**

**NobodyPutsTonyInACorner** **P @ The_Lone_Agent** **P : @ McGangster once took out all the bolts in all my chairs.**

**Fornelll** **P @ The_Lone_Agent** **P : I’m fairly confident @McGangster** **P subscribed to a delivery service called Dick In A Box.**

**The_Lone_Agent** **P : Fine! @ McGangster** **P is still only a Sinnamon roll.**

**McGangster** **P @ The_Lone_Agent** **P : Thanks, Dad.**

**McGangster** **P @ Fornelll** **P : Also, I only ever did that because you made my Dad upset that one time.**

**ItsCaitlynBitch** **P @ McGangster** **P : What about us innocent victims!?**

**McGangster** **P @ ItsCaitlynBitch** **P : You’re not so innocent. You agreed with @NobodyPutsTonyInACorner when he said I looked like Angus from that stupid football movie.**

**ImmaSnack** **P @ McGangster** **P : I’m going to be late for our date tonight. I’m going to skin @ItsCaitlynBitch alive.**

**McGangster** **P @ ImmaSnack** **P : But the movie starts in an hour!**

**McGangster** **P @ ImmaSnack** **P : Babe?**

**McGangster** **P @ ItsCaitlynBitch** **P : Lock your doors.**

**The_Lone_Agent** **P @ ItsCaitlynBitch** **P @ NobodyPutsTonyInACorner: We’re going to talk about fat shaming tomorrow. #Disappointed.**

**McGangster** **P : Is it illegal to lock your girlfriend in the bathroom until they calm down?**

**The_Lone_Agent** **P @ McGangster** **P : Illegal, yes. Immoral, no.**

**The_Lone_Agent** **P @ McGangster** **P : It @ItsCaitlynBitch dies, she won’t be able to do everyone’s paperwork.**

**The_Lone_Agent** **P @ McGangster** **P : And I’m not going back to late nights at the Bullpen, filling out paperwork.**

**The_Lone_Agent** **P @ McGangster** **P : I’m not strong enough to go through that again.**

**GoGreenie @ The_Lone_Agent** **P : 13 years of it!!!**

**The_Lone_Agent** **P @ GoGreenie: It was actually a lot longer than that.**

**McGangster** **P @ The_Lone_Agent: No, Dad. @GoGreenie was doing a Harry Potter.**

**The_Lone_Agent** **P @ McGangster** **P : Your generation needs to read another book.**

**The_Lone_Agent** **P @ McGangster** **P : I have suggestions, if needed.**

**CaptnLarge** **P @ The_Lone_Agent** **P :Nobody wants to read your fag books.**

**TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P @ CaptnLarge** **P : Nobody wants to look at your ugly ass mug, either, yet you went and made it your profile.**

**TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P : Does anyone know how to ascertain information on individuals over the internet. Just curious…**

**McGangster** **P @ TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P : I just sent you a DM…for example purposes.**

**Ina_Garten** **P @ McGangster** **P : I, too, would like that information. For learning purposes, of course…**

**McGangster** **P @ Ina_Garten** **P : Done.**

**The_Lone_Agent** **P @ McGangster** **P : Stop weaponizing @Ina_Garten! Jeffrey is getting concerned!!!**

**Ina_Garten** **P @ The_Lone_Agent** **P : When this is all over, @ Martha_Stewart won’t be the only celebrity cook to have done hard time.**

**Martha_Stewart** **P @ Ina_Garten** **P : Just be sure not use the lawyers I did…**

**MedicalWeedExaminer @ Martha_Stewart: If you see @Snoop** **P around, would be a lamb and remind him that he owes me $800?**

**Snoop** **P @ MedicalWeedExaminer: Bitch, I’ll get it to you when I get it to you.**

**MedicalWeedExaminer @ Snoop** **P : I don’t play when it comes to my money. You can ask your friends about that.**

**Snoop** **P @ MedicalWeedExaminer: I’m Venmoing it to you right now.**

**MedicalWeedExaminer @ Snoop** **P : I’m glad things didn’t have to get ugly.**

**The_Lone_Agent** **P @ MedicalWeedExaminer: Again, you have a doctorate. Why are you like this?!**

**MedicalWeedExaminer @ The_Lone_Agent: The American Spirit has infested my soul. #ButAtLeastI’mNotBritish.**

**#ButAtLeastI’mNotBritish is trending.**

**The_Lone_Agent** **P @ McGangster** **P : Why the hell is there half a thousand fucking bees in my truck?!**

**McGangster** **P @ The_Lone_Agent** **P : For once, I’m innocent of office-related shenanigans.**

**The_Lone_Agent** **P @ TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P : Do you know anything about the swarm of bees in my goddamn truck?**

**TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P @ The_Lone_Agent** **P : I was only trying to be romantic…**

**The_Lone_Agent** **P @ TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P : By weaponing nature’s pollinizers against me?**

**TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P @ The_Lone_Agent** **P : Did you not see the dozens of dandelions and violets?**

**The_Lone_Agent** **P @ TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P No! Because there’s half a thousand fucking bees in my truck!**

**The_Lone_Agent** **P @ TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P : Come get me. I need coffee!!**

**TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P @ The_Lone_Agent** **P : Be there in ten minutes.**

**The_Lone_Agent** **P : I have no concrete proof, but I’m almost positive a certain FBI agent deliberately did something to get us stuck in the drive through of a Starbucks.**

**BaristaMeisha @ The_Lone_Agent** **P : I’m not saying you’re right, but some giant ass man with brown hair paid me 300 dollars to slow the line. Might be related.**

**TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P @ The_Lone_Agent** **P : Please, don’t hurt me.**

**McGangster** **P : It’s been over two hours. When will my dad return from the war?**

**NobodyPutsTonyInACorner: Rations are running low. Morale is running low. @ItsCaitlynBitch has locked @Forensic_Abbyyy in the morgue freezer. Again.**

**McGangster** **P : Every hour we stride further and further away from God.**

**NobodyPutsTonyInACorner: Pray for us.**

**McGangster** **P : Remember us as we were.**

**ItsCaitlynBitches** **P @ McGangster** **P @ NobodyPutsTonyInACorner: Total dumbasses, got it.**

**The_Lone_Agent** **P @ McGangster** **P @ NobodyPutsTonyInACorner: Somebody let @Forensic_Abbyyy out of the freezer right now.**

**The_Lone_Agent** **P : Does anyone know of an exterminator that will remove bees without killing them?**

**BeepersJeepers @ The_Lone_Agent** **P : Just kill them. They’re stingy assholes.**

**The_Lone_Agent** **P @ BeepersJeepers: Never. We need the bees.**

**TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P : Nobody answer @The_Lone_Agent** **P. I like driving him around.**

**David_Attenborough** **P @ The_Lone_Agent** **P : If you leave the windows open overnight, they should leave to get back to their hives.**

**The_Lone_Agent** **P @ David_Attenborough** **P : Thank you!**

**David_Attenborough** **P @ The_Lone_Agent** **P : Might take them awhile to build up the nerve, though.**

**TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P @ The_Lone_Agent** **P : Oh no. How sad.**

**The_Lone_Agent** **P @ TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P : Bold of you to assume I won’t exploit my children for rides.**

**TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P @ The_Lone_Agent** **P :** **L**

**The_Lone_Agent** **P @ TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P : Nevermind. Come get me. These kids are driving me up the wall.**

**The_Lone_Agent** **P @ TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P : I’ll make you lasagna. Whatever you want.**

**TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P @ The_Lone_Agent** **P : I would have come and go tyou even without the promise of lasagna. Hang tight.**

**The_Lone_Agent** **P @ TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P : The printer is smoking. Please. Hurry.**

**TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P : I’m going to marry @The_Lone_Agent.**

**TingTingMing** **P @ TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P : Was the lasagna that good?**

**TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P @ TingTingMing** **P : Yes. But the lasagna is only a fractional portion of why I’m going to marry @The_Lone_Agent** **P.**

**The_Lone_Agent** **P @ TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P : Just so you’re aware, gay marriage still isn’t legalized in the U.S.**

**TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P @ The_Lone_Agent** **P : I’ll take on the government for our love.**

**The_Lone_Agent** **P @ TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P : Good luck with that.**

**McGangster** **P : Totally random question but…Does anyone know how to get a dent out of a truck in less than half an hour?**

**NobodyPutsTonyInACorner** **P @ McGangster** **P : Didn’t you borrow Dad’s truck for the morning?**

**McGangster** **P @ NobodyPutsTonyInACorner: …Maybe.**

**ItsCaitlynBitch** **P @ McGangster** **P : You should probably be asking for funeral home suggestions instead.**

**TomTomBoi** **P : In @McGangster** **P ‘s defense, that Prius came out of nowhere.**

**The_Lone_Agent** **P @ McGangster** **P : Call me. Now.**

**NobodyPutsTonyInACorner @ McGangster** **P F.**

**TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P : Still in love!**

**The_Lone_Agent** **P @ TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P is a menace. I haven’t opened a door since we started dating.**

**TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P @ The_Lone_Agent: Because you don’t have to.**

**TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P @ The_Lone_Agent: Also, does this mean we’re officially dating now?!**

**The_Lone_Agent** **P @ TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P : Yes. As of yesterday we are officially dating.**

**TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P @ The_Lone_Agent** **P : Did I finally win you over with my jokes?**

**The_Lone_Agent** **P @ TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P : It’s actually because you were nice to my kids. You’re jokes are still pretty awful.**

**McGangster** **P @ The_Lone_Agent** **P : If you and @TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P get married, what am I supposed to call him?**

**The_Lone_Agent** **P @ McGangster** **P : Didn’t I take your phone away?**

**McGangster** **P @ The_Lone_Agent** **P : I’m using @TomTomBoi** **P s laptop.**

**TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P @ McGangster** **P : You could call me Papa.**

**#FreeMcGangster is trending.**

**JinglerJangler @ The_Lone_Agent** **P : We need new content.**

**RedDover @ The_Lone_Agent** **P : It was the Prius’s fault.**

**ImmaSnack** **P @ The_Lone_Agent** **P : @McGangster** **P is really sorry.**

**The_Lone_Agent** **P @ McGangster** **P : If my house is spotless when I get back, you can have your phone.**

**McGangster** **P @ The_Lone_Agent** **P : Thanks, dad!**

**MedicalWeedExaminer @ The_Lone_Agent** **P : You’re too soft.**

**TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P @ MedicalWeedExaminer: I can assure you, that has never been a problem in our relationship.**

**TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P: Twitter, do your thing and convince @The_Lone_Agent** **P to let me back into bed. This couch is was too small and is hard as shit.**

**TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P @ MedicalWeedExaminer: This is all your fault. Help me.**

**TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P @ The_Lone_Agent** **P: I was just trying to defend the sanctity of our sex life.**

**The_Lone_Agent** **P @ TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P : If you ever want to get back into our bed, you’ll stop talking about our sex life in a public fashion.**

**McGangster** **P: Someone help me convince @ImmaSnack that getting married in a Taco Bell is a bad idea.**

**The_Lone_Agent** **P @ McGangster** **P @ ImmaSnack** **P : You two are too young to be getting married anywhere.**

**McGangster** **P @ The_Lone_Agent** **P : This is purely hypothetical.**

**The_Lone_Agent** **P @ McGangster** **P @ ImmaSnack** **P : If that’s the case, why not just have Taco Bell cater your wedding?**

**ImmaSnack** **P @ The_Lone_Agent** **P : But think of the ambience!!!**

**TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P @ ImmaSnack** **P : Why not just get married in Mexico?**

**The_Lone_Agent** **P @ ImmaSnack** **P : Just don’t leave the resort.**

**The_Lone_Agent** **P @ ImmaSnack** **P @ McGangster** **P : Also, this is still purely hypothetical, right?**

**ImmaSnack** **P @ The_Lone_Agent** **P : Don’t worry, we took your advice to not get married until we’re old enough to drink.**

**The_Lone_Agent** **P @ ImmaSnack** **P : But that’s not that far away…**

**McGangster** **P @ The_Lone_Agent** **P: Me and @ImmaSnack have been together since we were 14.**

**The_Lone_Agent** **P @ McGangster** **P : You. Are. Still. BABIES.**

**McGangster** **P @ The_Lone_Agent** **P : A baby _you_ personally gave gun training to…**

**The_Lone_Agent** **P @ McGangster** **P : Listen here, you little shit.**

**MedicalWeedExaminer: Do horses dream?**

**The_Lone_Agent** **P @ MedicalWeedExaminer: Why don’t you go and lie down for a bit?**

**The_Lone_Agent** **P : Does anyone have any ideas on what I can do with 12 dozen fucking roses?**

**TrapAttacker @ The_Lone_Agent** **P : What happened, bro?**

**TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P @ TrapAttacker: I may have gone a little overboard with the birthday celebrations.**

**ItsCaitlynBitch** **P @ The_Lone_Agent** **P : At least there were no bees this time…**

**McGangster: Check out this proposal fail by @NobodyPutsTonyInACorner.**

**NobodyPutsTonyInACorner @ McGangster** **P : Not cool!**

**McGangster** **P @ NobodyPutsTonyInACorner** **P : That’s for posting my embarrassing third grade photo for the world to see.**

**NobodyPutsTonyInACorner @ McGangster** **P : You’re making a mockery of my love for @ItsCaitlynBitch.**

**McGangster** **P @ NobodyPutsTonyInACorner: If you didn’t want your proposal to be mocked, you shouldn’t have proposed in the middle of an active hostage situation.**

**NobodyPutsTonyInACorner @ McGangster** **P : Laugh all you want, but she still said yes.**

**McGangster** **P @ NobodyPutsTonyInACorner: You got shot in the ass.**

**NobodyPutsTonyInACorner @ McGangster** **P : She. Still. Said. Yes.**

**YoloOrlando @ NobodyPutsTonyInACorner: Lord knows why, though.**

**ItsCaitlynBitch** **P @ YoloOrlando: Statistically speaking, this was the best proposal @NobodyPutsTonyInACorner could have pulled off…**

**McGangster** **P @ ItsCaitlynBitch** **P : Stop defending @NobodyPutsTonyInACorner. You’re spending the night in the hospital with him, instead of going to see Luke Bryant, because he got himself shot in the ass.**

**ItsCaitlynBitch** **P @ McGangster** **P : The ring is REALLY pretty.**

**McGangster** **P @ ItsCaitlynBitch** **P : Shot. In. The. Ass.**

**ItsCaitlynBitch** **P @ McGangster** **P : Get back to me when your own proposal goes perfect.**

**The_Lone_Agent** **P @ TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P : Just for the record, if you propose to me during an active hostage situation, it’s going to be an automatic no.**

**TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P @ The_Lone_Agent: Don’t worry. I have better plans.** **J**

**The_Lone_Agent** **P : How cold does St. Lucia get?**

**TrotskyHotsky @ The_Lone_Agent** **P : It’s fucking St. Lucia, dude. It’s tropical.**

**TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P : Somebody tell @The_Lone_Agent that St. Lucia doesn’t get cold. I want to make him go on an actual vacation.**

**Ina_Garten** **P @ The_Lone_Agent** **P : When Jeffrey and I went, the lowest it got was 66 degrees.**

**MedicalWeedExaminer @ The_Lone_Agent** **P : So, if you bring a light jacket, you should be fine.**

**The_Lone_Agent** **P : How do I get citizenship in St. Lucia?**

**MedicalWeedExaminer @ The_Lone_Agent** **P : There are no Starbucks in St. Lucia.**

**The_Lone_Agent** **P : Nevermind.**

**TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P : Have I mentioned I’m in love?!**

**TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P: *Imgur (Picture of Gibbs with a pie in one half, and another half with a picture of Gibbs with a birdhouse) Get you a man who can do both.**

**The_Lone_Agent** **P @ TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P : You’re a goon.**

**TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P @ The_Lone_Agent** **P : Admit it, you love me.**

**The_Lone_Agent** **P @ TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P If I admit it, will you stop clipping your toenails in our bed?**

**TheFBI’sFinestBoi** **P @ The_Lone_Agent** **P : Yes!**

**The_Lone_Agent** **P : Let it be known, from this day forth, that I love @TheFBI’sFinestBoi – even though he has, in fact, gotten me repeatedly attacked by bees in the seven months.**


End file.
